Vote Clarkson!

 

Neil Harrison explains why he would back the Top Gear tosser's election campaign.

Whether it's a night spent with that ex, or another crushingly disappointing 'meal' at Pizza Hut, it appears that certain of life's mistakes are simply destined to be repeated. If 'to err is human,' then to err and learn from it is often beyond us. So it was this weekend that, like a dog returning to its own sick, I broke my self-imposed injunction against all things Top Gear and actively sought out an hour of denim-clad tarmac bothering with which to self-flagellate.

Usually, I take great pains to avoid even an accidental glimpse of the Three Arsemen of the Car-pocalypse. The last time I absent-mindedly flicked through Dave, Dave+1, UK Gold, Watch and Dave's Gold Watch +1, I got so lost in Top Gearrepeats - in such a horrific haze of fake spontaneity and bigotry-lite - that I had to immediately burn down my own house just to cleanse the hate.

Why then, you may well ask, did I put myself through it? Well, following Jeremy Clarkson's Twitter threat to run for parliament this weekend, I felt it was time to harvest the hate. Because although doubtless just a hilarious jape cooked up with his chum Dave under a gazebo at Chequers, Clarkson's tweet is yet another reminder of his pretensions to act as some sort of defender of English values. Now, unless you consider English values to include racism, misogynyand the mocking and general denigration of the disabledand the poor, it may be quite satisfying to see old Jezza drag his bloated, ugly, privately-educated face out on the campaign trail.

 
In the style of Chancellor Osbourne (whose mixture of fear and morbid curiosity when encountering supermarket workers is pure comedy), just to watch Clarkson squirm as he desperately tries to conceal his contempt for anyone with a net worth of less than £50 million, especially those ghastly wheelchair people, would be pure joy.

Presently this man gets away with projecting his vile outlook on the nation's media because he is most famous for, alongside a pair of under-twits, presenting a television show which tests out and reviews mechanical commodities. Not a range of commodities either, just cars. Now because this is an inherently dull concept, every show contains some form of mocked up 'hilarious' scenario which enables Clarkson to come across as a harmless, bumbling everyman (a sort of proto-Boris), effectively disguising his true, creepy, elitist nature.

A move into politics for Clarkson would see him take his rightful and deserved place in the ranks of the reviled – alongside Farage, Thatcher, Griffin, Moseley. If that is how he chooses to cement his place in history, who are we to stop him? I, for one, would fully support his campaign for Doncaster (election HQ: Chipping Norton, naturally). So Vote Clarkson! Because, like Boris Johnson and like Nigel Farage, in the glare of political life, the pseudo-buffoon act can only last so long before you are exposed as the 'nasty piece of work' you really are. With Clarkson, I suspect this wouldn't take long. We are, after all, a good part of the way there already. 

Neil Harrison is a Social History student at Manchester Metropolitan University, he is an aspiring journalist and a terrible guitar player. Follow him on Twitter @looseriver

At The Devil's Disposal

Beware Litterbugs, Kevin Danson is watching you....

Hands up those who just LOVE the fact that we live in a world where a rush of adrenaline and excitement of joy can be achieved by our decision to throw litter on public streets. Now, hands up those who want to smack that person silly till they are empty of ANY joy, grab the hair on the back of their head (if hairless, socket your palm to the knobbly skin at the back) and smear their faces into the recently discarded litter.
 
I may need anger management…
 
Some Christians I befriended in Rio told me that there is no such thing as a big sin or a little sin. Whether you lie to your parents by telling them you are off to the cinema, when really you are on your way to slice a rooster’s neck to complete a voodoo spell you put on your ex, or if you simply rock up to a beauty pageant and gun down the natural (plastic) beauties into lumps of melting gore, you will not receive a greater or lesser punishment in hell. You will simply, go to hell. I take on board this attitude when discussing littering (too harsh?). It does not matter whether the piece of paper you threw on the floor is a bus ticket or The Sun, it is wrong, it is a sin, say hello to Bin Laden (coowee).
 

As an occasional smoker I am wary of where my butt-ends go (good job I put an ‘end’ there, eh?) after my final drag. Even though no one is around, I feel as though I am in the centre of a hippodrome with my onlookers holding their breath waiting to see where I will ditch the filter. I feel it is my duty, as a ‘green smoker’, to scrunch out the ember and the final flakes of tobacco into the wind and pocket the rest. It’s more than likely I’ll find a bin before I get home - though if not, I’m certain my leg won’t combust or the centre of the earth open and swallow me whole.
 

Over the past few years I have witnessed some disgusting ways people choose to litter. Being a very passionate person (easily annoyed), the moment I see such a disgrace, I become ignited with fury like a freshly struck match (Hadouken!). Even this afternoon on my way back from the bank, a little girl chucked a napkin to the ground. I flared, focused yet failed to do my duty. This duty is one which all people should have but unfortunately we fear to carry it out (not saying I’m scared of a five year old girl, but her mother could have probably sat on me… big woman). If we speak up, we may well end up crippled, disfigured or dreadfully unattractive until the healing process is over. Maybe even be killed (true story). I am not one that goes out looking for abuse and so I have to content myself with trying to influence them with my psychic abilities.
 

More examples of witnessed littering:
 
* Walking down Oxford Street during lunch, a caj-shab dressed man swaggers by a group of smokers. Without a look in their direction, he extends his left arm, opens his hand and releases a half-full takeaway cup from Subway. 

Obs: this stretch of Oxford Street is ‘littered’ with bins…?

* Piccadilly Gardens 8:15 a.m. Student waiting on the curb for the bus to pull in while reading the paper. The doors open, the papers lies spread on the floor between curb and bus. 

Obs: 1) A bin can be found six paces to his left or 3 to his right. 2) Take it on the bus. 3) Welcome to Hell.

* Taking cover from the rain, I spot a short, rotund woman shuffling quickly across the street with a medium-sized cardboard box over her weaves. Lugging her heap onto the pavement, she signals for the bus. As if to punish the rain, she throws the box through the air and it lands, slightly caved, on its side next to… the bin. 
Obs: Hello Beelzebub!

There is no excuse for littering, but there are many things we can blame; laziness, selfishness, parenting, education, rebelliousness, toughness and coolness. All of these are 'acceptable' when the litterer is innocent, NOT acceptable by adults, parents and OAPs! 

Kevin Danson is an English Literature student at MMU who likes to share his ramblings. Read his blog Pebbleddash and follow him on Twitter @pebbleddash

Making Twitter Work For You

Kevin Danson picks up some top Twitter tips…

Laptops, Smartphones and iPads were being unloaded as people found their seats for the Twitter session at Cornerhouse. The weather outside was dreary but the tapping on the keyboards inside was cheerful. 

The workshop was lead by Mr. Digital Guru, @technicalfault- aka Josh. Starting with the workshop hastag #makeitwork, Josh began by telling us the basics of how to make your Twitter account…work. First valued tip, have an active account.

Josh explained - ‘Twitter is a community’. You shouldn’t turn your face from someone who is tweeting you just like you wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) if that person was stood in front of you. Twitter’s motto is: "we believe that the open exchange of information can have a positive global impact and are inspired by stories of people using Twitter to improve the world in unexpected ways". We, as tweeters, are connected. So the vital rule here is respect.

From the idea of engaging in conversation with your virtual neighbours, the majority of tweets should aim to be replies to others' tweets. This can help you to build up a following. Mixed notions appeared when the subject of follower quantity came up. Some thought they had to follow as many people as possible, since social media is all about collecting numbers, others admitted they prefer to select who they follow so their timeline doesn’t get over polluted with spam or simply, random crap.

Another interesting debate started around the question of tweeting at weekends. Certain Twitter users thought the weekend was a time when you don’t really look at your timeline - while the rest admitted how visiting their tweets on a Saturday and Sunday provided a distraction from boredom, or simply a chance to catch-up with news they missed throughout the week. The lesson here is that everybody has a different routine - just do what suits you best.

Josh’s advice on retweeting was to not retweet too often - it isn't fresh content - and try to keep your fresh tweets within 120 characters so you allow those who wish to retweet you give their own intro or spin on your news.

 Here is a flash list of apps and websites recommended…

• Buffer – Excellent for scheduling tweets of interesting content allowing your followers not to become flooded with information.
• Paperli – Create a daily paper of interesting content from a random selection from those you follow (I adopted this after the workshop and it is a perfect way for me to find relevant content to my interests in a paper format). It mentions those the content has been added from allowing room for shoulder rubbing and conversation.
• Twitter provides its own link shortening tool, but you can also join bitly. Not only will it reduce your links, it will show you details of the clicks you get from your tweets. Pretty handy. You can also link Buffer to bitly and schedule tweets to go through the bitly site already shortened.
• Tweet Grader is an ideal tool for businesses. You can track your tweets and see the fluctuation of followers. Observe what you’re doing right or change how you’ve gone wrong.
• Another site useful to businesses is TweetReach. From one tweet you can check how far that message went through your followers’ accounts and their followers and their followers… you get it.
• Twitilist gives you the chance to create lists and sort the ones you follow into categories. They sync up with the app you choose to access your Twitter account with, filtering information you wish to view and provide others with recommendations in public lists and keep your personal ones private.
• Suffer from a guilty conscious? TwitCleaner will do the dirty work for you. It scans the ones you follow and through a report with different categories, separates the wheat from the chaff. People change, interests change. If the info you’re getting no longer interests you, say adieu.
• And there is more than just Twitter.com to provide you with access to your tweets. Some that were suggested from Josh were Tweetbot (iPhone/iPad), Echofon (Mac) and Tweetdeck (Android). If you know of any others feel free to let us know below.

Now for the top tips…

• Links in tweets attract more clicks when placed at least 25% into the tweet.
• Words which have been registered to attract viewers are ones like ‘via’, ‘@’ ‘RT’ and ‘please’. Action words are attractive also. My new mantra is; more verbs, less nouns.
• Hashtags are a great way to bring together an event. With our #makeitwork hashtag, the knowledge of the workshop quickly spread and those who searched this tag quickly learnt about the skills Josh was departing on us.
• Since Manchester is ranked as the third biggest Twitter using city in Europe (oh yeah), it has landed its name on the cities to trend. Make sure to choose it as your trending city. 
  
  
  Happy Tweeting! 
  
  Kevin Danson is an English Literature student at MMU who likes to share his ramblings. Read his blog Pebbleddash and follow him on Twitter @pebbleddash

Backlash Against Payday Lenders

Words by Neil Harrison

A nation-wide backlash against payday loan lenders is set to get underway today (Saturday, September 7th) as a wave of protest hits the streets of many major towns and cities across the UK. The action, which is being co-ordinated by The People's Assembly, will see high street branches of certain high-interest loan companies occupied by protesters.


The move comes as it was revealed this week that one payday loan company, Wonga, makes over £1 million in profit per week at, it is felt by many, the expense of some of the most vulnerable in society. According to the organisers of today's protest,


“The interest that these outfits charge the poorest is robbery - but not considered a crime. This Saturday the People's Assembly is encouraging peaceful occupations of high street payday loan shops to expose these companies for what they really are - thieves who prey on the poorest.”


It is understood that the action in Manchester is set to be filmed by documentary makers from BBC3.

Occupied today?: A Manchester loan shop

They are particularly keen to hear from young people aged 18-30 who may have been adversely affected by this type of money-lending service.



The protest will meet at Market Street, Piccadilly at 1pm before moving on to occupy the city's loan shops brandishing props and banners. For more information on this and more events, visit the People's Assembly Facebook page.



If you are having difficulty with loan companies or spiralling debt, support can be found at The Citizen's Advice Bureau.

Neil Harrison is studying Social History at Manchester Metropolitan University, he is an aspiring journalist and a terrible guitar player. Follow him on Twitter @looseriver

Poetry Master Class with War Poet Brian Turner

Words by Kevin Danson

In a room with a cosy number of people, Brian Turner took the stage (or, rather, perched on the edge of a desk) with a welcoming natural ease. I have no idea why I ended up plonking myself on the otherwise deserted front row, making myself an easy target for this trained face-to-face combat officer, but there I sat. Having previously addressed impressive numbers of people (1600 soldiers, for instance!), this small gathering would be like recalibrating an AK47 (is that even a gun?) with his eyes closed.

Brian immediately launched into his signature poem, Here, Bullet, also title of his first book . I just handed in my second poetry assignment on this poem, so to hear some backstory was a treat. One of the bonuses of poetry is that it is an easily transportable art. He tells us that he had only one poem, by the American Laureate, Philip Levine, called They Feed They Lion, which had embedded itself in him. When the first lines of Here, Bullet came about, the rhythm of that single poem came through in the beat of his. Finishing this poem (with a powerful voice much different to his talking one), he admitted the meaning remains strange. I know every time I have read it a new image comes to mind - or a new thread of thought. I fail to see how he can consider himself a rookie with the ability to cause such abstract interpretation from his words.

Between the end of some of the behind-the-scenes elements to Here, Bullet and some 'release' sound effects (not that sound… an unscrewing of a coke bottle) being provided by a member of the audience, Brian reads a stunning poem - Thalia Fields. For me, this poem is all about the line, ‘The plane, like a shadow, guiding the rain, here…’. It’s an impressive way to see the mind of this poet/soldier through his memories and feelings. These are just tasters remember, for more you need to get your hands on his books!

I have to admit that there were many comments made on the subject of war, of course, but unfortunately I have no views politically, patriotically or morally when it comes to such matters. One fact mentioned, however, which caused me to raise my eyebrows in surprise, was that on average, from the Iraq war alone, a number of 18 soldiers commit suicide per day. That’s all of his platoon (48) gone in a matter of days. Chilling.

The Hurt Locker, a powerful poem with a pensive ending line, "how rough men come hunting for souls", allowed Brian to provide us with another backstory to the origin of this now famous term. Although his poem came out several years prior to the award winning film, he remembers hearing it from his squad leader. When he asked this leader whether he had said it or not, the reply was a down-to-earth, "Yeah, shit just comes out of my mouth". After further research, the term was found to have originated in a small Texas newspaper talking about a local football (that’s American football) game during the war in Vietnam. I mean, how else?

His poetry, usually found under the war genre is, for me, entirely different to how I perceived this genre to be. The words bring satisfying, albeit horrible in experience, images to the mind, many of which are formed in free verse. I never got the opportunity to ask whether this style of writing came from his (sub)conscious gratification of freedom from the army and from war…

Many of us wanted to know what made him enter the army after having received his Masters in Poetry. Giving only a bit away, he shares that his family had a heavy military influence and despite not being forced over the threshold, it was the expected norm. Not giving much away though, Brian ‘lets slip’ that his book, My Life as a Foreign Country, will be coming out early 2014 as the deal is being linked with an undisclosed British publisher as I type.

Always concerned with our well being, Brian was worried whether he had been reading too much or talking too much. I would have preferred he did both to the extreme, as he seemed to have a lot of stories and anecdotes to tell, as well as recommendations and inspirations of other poets. He mentioned Carolyn Forché with admirable gusto, telling us how he has a signed copy of her poem - The Colonel, on his wall to which he looks at for inspiration, picturing the destination of where he wants to end up: ‘I’m at the foothills that lead to the mountains’. Another poet he mentions with personal fondness is Yehuda Amichai and gives us a reading of another thought-provoking poem, The Diameter of The Bomb.

With time to shoot questions at Brian, he is asked what kind of writer he is; everyday, sporadic, organised? Since writing from a young age, he tells us, it is easy for him to go with a poem when it comes to him instead of needing that discipline of daily scribblings. One day, when out looking for nails to complete some overdue odd jobs around the house, he found himself picking up a nail which resembled a bullet out of one of the weapons he used while in Iraq. Before he knew it, his notepad was in his palm and he was walking around the store retrieving images only a poet can. He recognised the rotating fan on the ceiling as the blades from a helicopter. I would have recognised them as blades on a fan. His experience and education have allowed his mind to look at things in ways my mind never would. Maybe from now on it could.

I didn’t know what to make of Brian when I first watched him reading his poems on a Youtube video. All I knew was that he was a soldier and went to war. Having now been within spitting distance of him, seeing and listening to how he talks about serious and trivial issues in a soft-spoken voice, I’d say he’d be the top of my list if I was to go camping, not just for his army experience (major plus), but also for the stories I could listen to by the fire with either bubbling marshmallows or a blanket covering my eyes in terror. If you’re up for it Brian, this summer, Edale.

Kevin Danson is an English Literature student at MMU who likes to share his ramblings. Read his blog Pebbleddash and follow him on Twitter @pebbleddash

Important Lesson: Personal Pitching

Words by Kevin Danson

 

 

A couple of weeks ago I found myself sat in Cinema 2 of Cornerhouse Manchester before one of the best-known authorities on design and popular culture, Stephen Bayley. As founding director of the design museum, a former creative director of the Millennium Dome and contributor to a number of national and international papers and magazines, we had our notepads on our laps and pens poised in position for his Life’s A Pitch talk.

 

Stephen introduced himself as a complete fraud and imposter despite contradicting himself with his frequent phrase ‘without sounding Machiavellian’. Nonetheless, we took pride in his homage to the late Steve Jobs as most of us had succumbed to at least one of his divinely presented instruments over his technological reign. Lesson one of the night comes early; presentation is key to success.

 

With his self-invented persona, Stephen gave us another handy tip, that even though every single person is made up of 96.2% of organic elements, the difference we possess is intangible individuality; the personality and style we create for ourselves. ‘Dress is the style of thoughts’ he quoted from the philosophical Lord Chesterfield, and indeed it is. So, lesson two; ‘You will not be judged by your accent, but you will be judged by your shoes’ again, Stephen quoted.

 

Lesson three; confidence. Stephen Bayley exuded confidence from the stage, which portrayed him initially as a charming gentleman though now I perceive the flaws of what too much confidence can do. We got briefly distracted by lesson number four; the craft of handwriting. A letter has much more effect, he said, for certain things as it shows you have spent time writing it, spent money sending it and made an all-round effort with the recipient (my gran?).

 

The fifth lesson is indeed a great lesson; a good memory to record names, dates and quotes he advises us, gives a fantastic persuasive simulacrum of high intelligence. As spectators, we can see how his lessons, bar the fourth, have coalesced, leading us to accept Stephen Bayley as a well-versed crowd pleaser, slipping in several quotes per discarded speech card.

 

In spite of the fact that my notepad hadn’t filled up with the pitching wizardry I anticipated, in addition to finding myself a few times getting lost in my own rambling thoughts as per the speaker, I’ve been bestowed with some excellent tips on how to create a persona (if I choose), maybe some new shoes and study more quotes. I leave you with a few of Stephen Bayley’s quotes of the night for you to consider:

 

‘Trying is just the first step to failure’ – Homer Simpson

 

‘Getting things wrong is just an opportunity to start again more intelligently’ – Henry Ford

 

‘Aut tace aut loquere meliora silentio’ or ‘Either be silent or say something better than silence’ – Salvator Rosa’s ‘self portrait’

 

Kevin Danson is an English Literature student at MMU who likes to share his ramblings. Read his blog Pebbleddash and follow him on Twitter @pebbleddash